Hello, amazing people. This day I want to write about a recent experience of mine when I felt hopelessness and extreme fear of my life. Read on to find out.
When somebody asked me, “What is your biggest fear in life?”, my answer always used to be snakes and heights. I am still afraid of these two things. But on 13th February 2018, I experienced real terror. All the positivity was swept out of me and I was left clueless. I would never want to experience it ever again in my entire life. Those were some worst moments of my life. I never want to go through that thought process.
It was my office lunch. Out of nowhere, I planned to have a few of the infamous “Maha Shivratri pakoras”. They are basically fritters made with weed. I knew about their effects so I had only a small bite. But, when it did not have much effect on me in a few hours, I had a couple more with the evening tea. That was the decision I regretted an eternity like few hours after that.
What happened? Let me tell you the scare I got after that. The places I have been to seemed all new. It was like short-term memory loss in the movie Memento. I was in a huge trance. I had lost all my contact with reality. At times it felt like I am a character in a movie who is living a scene and waiting for the director to say “cut”, but he never did.
Then, the thought of “Skynet” and “Westworld” popped in. I was a controlled entity whose each and every emotion is being outplayed by a computer – Strong AI became live for me. Whatever I was thinking was happening with me and it was all negative. My heartbeat was the speed of a racing car. I felt like I could be turned off by a switch, but that switch has gone bad and now I am gonna stay like this, helpless and confused.
I was speaking in a tasteless fashion. My eyes had shrunk, pupils dilated. I was a living dead. I was cursing my existence in this way. I was begging for it to end but it took its time teaching me properly.
I was experiencing mental slavery. I had lost all control of my mind and it was a pathetic feeling. Everyone seemed an enemy and each word smelt of deception. I was, again and again, getting a feeling that I have been living in a setup all my life. However I wanted to believe that whatever was happening to me was not real, I could not. Just a small portion made me believe that it can’t be true – and that feeling was love, a love for my parents.
I experienced real fear that day. Now, what did I learn? I learned to never ever do substance misuse, even out of fun. And, it is my advice and request to all of you to keep your hands away from such stuff. It just makes you weaker as a person. And, it is never good to feel weak.
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